2009 personal

we can take this weekend, and make it last forever, deal the shackles of our lives a breaking blow

Depending on which way you look at today, I got some news which is either incredibly positive and awesome and necessary, or it was terrible and rage making and depressing. I’m trying to go for the former.

The thing about freedom and choice is that there’s a lot of it, and as you get older, no matter how hard you try, you find yourself becoming less open to that and more limited in your expectations.

I’m old enough to know that a situation that doesn’t make you happy at least 60% of the time isn’t worth staying in, I just suck at being the one to end it.

I’m loathed to remain in the lifestyle that was killing me in the first place, but I’ve grown so accustomed to it.

One day, the universe, I swear I’ll do this shit on my own with no colossal pushes. okay? Until then I just want to get better and try and sleep.

30 punkrock

we want a band that plays loud and hard every night

When oh when will this punk rock vs. (slightly) corporate office internal battle end?

It’s sort of pathetic to be approaching your 31st birthday and still being all *woe is me, I don’t fit in* about things, but then, I haven’t felt like this until the last year of working here. And I’m not sure to what extent this is me and my set in stone punkrock set of ethics and unwillingness to compromise over certain issues, and how much of it is based around the incredibly (implicitly) sexist environment in which I now work.

I’m really beginning to think that there are no good *grown ups* in the world. Anyone in any kind of position of haha, authority, above middle management hasn’t got there by treating people with respect, or honouring things they have promised. I don’t get it, like Seth Tobocman said, you don’t have to fuck people over to survive.

Why is doing your job well less important than playing the game, and how come they’re no longer mutually exclusive? What is more important, making more money and catering to the lowest common denominator, or creating something awesome that will ultimately last longer, be more rewarding and allow you to look at yourself in the mirror without wanting to claw your own eyes out?

Wow. I’m even angstier than I thought today, I hope this is just fallout from Mars in Virgo and I’m not regressing to the state of teenage anarchopunk.

moments of content

I’m currently having one, and I wanted to document it since it’s all so doomy and gloomy around these parts.

I’m listening to Kevin Devine, and I haven’t for ages, so he’s still at the stage where everything makes perfect sense and seems hopeful, before things get dull and overdone and miserable. It’s another (rare) sunny day and I just opened all the blinds and windows in the office, it’s all bright and airy and there’s no one else here, save a couple of devs in the pen. Had a nice evening lat night, and and interesting internal dialogue this morning and as a result am still feeling pretty positive.

I just wanted that noted, ‘cos I would imagine I’ll hate it all again by lunch.

gaslight anthem me punkrock

did you hear your favourite song, one last time?

Today is going to be bad, I can feel it. An SEO meeting about the blog bang in the middle of it does not bode well.

To try and contain the fallout from this day of horror, I’m trying to talk out loud as little as possible. So far I said, *oh* to Doug. ipod + head down and there’s a chance I might just get through this terrible day. Although I’m not sure I want to. Was this really what I wanted to do? Live in london, not really like it, write copy and argue about why the News Of The World is entirely *off-brand*? (yes, I say off-brand now, what has become of me?)

How can I make my life the way I want when I only have vague suspicions of what they might be, and they all start at – not this?

’59 sound is still on repeat, and it’s possibly the only thing that’s saving anything.