I'm really sad that..

I’m moving out in a couple of days. Regardless of the fact I haven’t been in love for a while, I still love him very much and I will miss spending so much time with him. I think he feels the same way (to a lesser degree) but he hides it better than me…. And that is making me sad.
That and having to pack all my shit up and move and be single again. I don’t feel as bad as the last time this exact thing happened, but this time I am acutely aware that I’m the less good side of thirty to be packing my shit up and starting over.
I’m sure I’ll feel more positive when this part is over, and I’m somewhere new, but for now I’m feeling somewhat glum and hopeless.

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love punkrock Uncategorized

proper endings and big decisions

I think I may have found a house.
It is in an awesome location, there is a cat, and my potential new housemate, seems to be, to all intents and purposes a great, grown-up, punkrockabilly girl.
I guess my reluctance to jump up and down in excitement is less financial (which is what I have been pretending to myself) and mostly about the fact that as soon as I move out, it’s all properly over with Miles. And the hurting/healing process has to start, because although splitting up is the right thing to do long-term, still loving the person you’re breaking up with is about the worst short-term solution.
Anyhow, I’m gonna go see the place again tonight, and make a proper decision.
I’ve never had this much difficulty making a decision in my entire life.
I’m done with April.
It’s Against Me! tomorrow. That had better make everything better.

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30 love Uncategorized

stop take some time to think – figure out what's important to you

Seriously Mercury, enough already. It’s been an emotionally tumultuous couple of weeks. In e-v-e-r-y which way.

Have decided to move out and find a one bed – I’ve always been highly dubious of people living in shared houses in their 30’s. Also, I hate the crazies that live here. I want to move back to Stokey, go back to shopping at Fresh and Wild and yoga at Abney Hall. It’d be an awesome solution if I didn’t want to get the fuck out of London. Saving for NY is gonna be harder this way but I don’t think I have another option.

It feels like there are almost no females in my life at the moment, with the exception of Jo. It’s curious. I’m far more comfortable around men (it was difficult not to write boys then, but I guess those days are over) for longer periods of time. Women just don’t like geeking out on trivia the way men do. On the phone to Jo this evening she disclosed that most girls will just find the best available thing in any given situation, regardless as to whether or not this is the right thing for them. I apparently do not do this. If what I want isn’t available I just go home and order it online. Ha.

I went for coffee with someone I was once in love with yesterday. It was interesting. I learned some things I didn’t know, was kind of weirded out by how time genuinely does make everything okay, and felt sort of good in a weird way about it.

I don’t know what to do about NY. I don’t know whether to just say fuck it, and go after Xmas, or whether to actually try and plan everything out, the way I love to. Why is it so hard? They should just give me a quiz, figure out how much better I’d be if I was there, and then let me move. I don’t really want to get married you know?

I have decided to not think too hard about anything this week, and try and take it easy and maybe the solution will just appear. Mercury and Neptune both stop being retrograde this week, and Neptune’s sort of a biggie. Outer planets and all that.

My copy deadline for my new astrology job is next monday.

Lizzy is cutting my hair tomorrow, I’m going to see 30 days of night on Halloween, Against Me! the day after, and Sivan and Karen are in town this weekend.


Also, the fall schedule is really cutting out on the amount of time I can spend out of the house. Tell me you love me, is still awesome and we’ve hit midseason. Californication has it’s season finale next week, Gossip Girl becomes more watchable weekly, and Heroes has a storyline again. Oh yeah, and Dexter = just plain awesome, and the English ex junkie chick is completely growing on me. So much less irritating than whiny Rita.